i unsee the future

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Thu 2 Jul 2009 1:00 am

google image search 2.0

Simply a humble suggestion as to future directions for our favorite internet search engine colossus thing. Also, why hello there, art blog. You’re looking mummified today!


by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Tue 7 Aug 2007 12:47 am


…yeah I just had to get that out of my system. I am probably going to start updating again pretty soon, as there are a couple of images in here that are kinda sorta flirting with general relevance.

nobody scores!

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Fri 16 Jun 2006 10:51 pm

To the detriment of everyone I have once again started a webcomic. It is called Nobody Scores! and it is a little comic about inevitable disaster, so I figure everyone can relate. The site is a mess but I promised it would start today and so it technically has. It mostly looks okay but all kinds of links don’t work. On the other hand, Textpattern, the CMS I’m using, is a lot more easily customizable than WordPress (though the documentation is in wiki form and sucks), so god willing I’ll be able to finish setting the thing up over the weekend. Then maybe if I ever have time again I can move this blog over to Textpattern and actually be able to make ish look how I want it to look.

Nobody Scores! will be one-panels Monday, Wednesday, Friday and sprawling multi-panels Tuesday and Thursday and with that kind of schedule it’s gonna be my primary focus. Here is still for miscellaneous fun and isn’t going anywhere. Whoo ha! Onlineness.


by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Mon 12 Jun 2006 9:46 pm

This is for those of you at The Assimilated Negro who’ve been giving me requests for more TAN-toons. I told you I’d do four pictures and here they finally are. One of them took longer than I thought and when you see it you’ll be able to guess which one. For those, what, three of you stumbling across this post wondering what I’m talking about, I’ve been bouncing around art ideas with the proprietor of The Assimilated Negro (go read it! It’s funny and interesting!) for the past month or so with an eye on some sort of collaborative project in the future. That part is still under wraps. So here we go:

it's about that time for a cracka crackdown

First off we have art for the periodic TAN feature “Cracka Crackdown,” the latest and really the most horrifying installment of which can be found here. As you can see I really got into it, which’ll happen to anybody after just 15 minutes of cable news. Doubt me? Try it, then come back for another look, you’ll see.

Next we have the “I Don’t Give A Fuck” shirt illustrated. For those of you wandering by, read all about it here.

look, I just don't give a fuck.

This is probably something a little more meaningful in NYC than it is here in Portland, but I know what he’s talking about here, ’cause this is like 80 percent of my wardrobe, and at various points in my life it’s been much worse believe me. ‘Course, the fact that I’m in Portland and I’m not inked shifts me a good 10% towards the IGAF column no matter what so hey.

Okay, these next two I feel compelled to warn my four or five readers not coming here from The Assimilated Negro about because they contain cartoon naked nudeness previously not featured on this site and so they may be Not Safe For Work. As a precaution, please kill your boss and possibly your IT department before viewing these images. Once that’s done, scroll down aways to see exposed human flesh!!echo echo echo







First we have “Dear Average-Sized Penis.

expectations vary.

Look, I don’t have anything to add here. If you still can’t tell what this is about, read the post I linked to!

Aaand okay. I nearly flinched at this one. It’s a pretty wild subject to draw, it is the second weirdest thing I’ve drawn (I really should post about #1 sometime) and it presents thorny, thorny problems of comic art timing. But I’ve got a billing to live up to. So here it is. Presenting, a TAN experience: Worst Sex Ever.

you can see how it gets worse

If you’re looking at this fresh, and you have no idea what in God’s name this is about, I reeeeally can’t blame you. But lucky you, here is some reading material: Sex on Shrooms – part one, two, and (where this scene comes in) three. It… it’s a funny story. Really! It’s funny.

TAN readers: when I’m talking about “thorny problems of comic timing” here is what the deal is. Drawing the, uh, climax of this scene is gonna be pretty much straight-up gross. You need comic tension, right? So I had sketched out an “after” picture, and then, having looked at it a while, sketched out a “before” picture. Which is this one. That’s what I went with. Now that I look back on it, the picture itself is not that risqué – look, I’m still shaking off six years of doing full-time art for first-graders, it’s not that easy – I just hope it generates enough tension. I think I probably should have drawn her sillier. Oh well. Hope you guys enjoy the art.

the 2 am time slot

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Thu 8 Jun 2006 12:58 am

my drawings
my special drawings

May as well show ’em. These were the sketches Satan pre-empted. I should remember to wear sunglasses when I’m sketching people. Save me the whole “I’m sketching you, but I’m not staring at you all creepy-like” song an’ dance (which I’m pretty good at, but still).

Oh and I take back everything bad I said about ol’ Scratch: sweet, sweet Fafblog came back on that very day! I spent this morning singin to the hills and eatin pies and then I had web design work to do in a hurry.

for all the dorks in the house

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Sun 7 May 2006 12:24 pm

Presenting: the characters of the new Battlestar Galactica series, rendered Simpsons-style.

I defy anyone who’s enjoyed either to get as far as the one with Boomer before losing it.

whatta world

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Wed 3 May 2006 1:09 am

Man, I’d better jot this down before I forget about it. This stuff is interesting and it’s late. I’ve just started following that guy Ozair’s links and found myself in the middle of an English-language South Asian blogosphere. This shit is so much cooler than warblogs. Future reference:

Dragon Breath. In Pakistan? Looks like it.
India Uncut. In India, obviously. Smells techno-libertarianish; dunno about that part.

While I’m linking to blogs, may I recommend for the general reader Who is IOZ (political) and The Assimilated Negro (general) – they’re both pretty new and very good.

it’s pretty scary

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Mon 1 May 2006 11:08 pm

Regardez-vous this goofy-ass newsletter comic someone got. The material – a supercontrived superhero who has the power to “stop shrink” at Kroger stores – is the kind of thing you’d expect. Nothing scary there. Wanna know what’s scary? Look at the art.

It’s really good.

How the hell did they get such a good artist to draw their miserable little comic for their miserable little internal company newsletter?

color theory

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Thu 30 Mar 2006 12:10 am

Weird. I’m usually very conscious about the palettes I use. But three of the last four pictures here have primary palettes, which is something I hardly ever do. Usually I go complementary with intensity variations*, and sometimes I’ll go split-complementary or analogous or off-axis binary, but I don’t usually touch primary schemes. It’s from my background in children’s illustration: every. bloody. kid’s. illustrator. uses primary color schemes for primary-age kids and it’s so cliche and stupid. But, huh.

* checking on the internet I’m finding color wheels rendered with an RGB color base; I always think of colors in RYB painter’s primaries, from my oil-painting days… interesting. I know about this, I just never think about it.

my ridiculous beliefs

by brandon as Uncategorized — brandon Wed 29 Mar 2006 10:39 am

Because rage works as well as caffeine in getting me up in the morning I often read political weblogs. What’s been going around a few of them is a question: what’s the most absurd thing you believe? So on the liberal blog you get “Crack was introduced into the inner-city by the CIA” and on the humorous/liberal blog you get “I believe that I have a substantially better understanding of pro basketball and what it takes to put together a winning team than people who have been intimately involved with the game for 20+ years” and on the libertarian blog you have “That vengence and vendetta are perfectly acceptable alternatives to courts of law, and that individuals who practice each should be lauded, not prosecuted, by government authorities.”

So, this is my blog, I can be self-indulgent in it if I want, and my weird beliefs are too long-winded to bother exposing anyone else to in the comments of their weblogs. Here goes:

• consciousness is not a binary quality: a life-form isn’t just self-aware or an automaton; even humans have wildly different levels of consciousness over the course of the day. But at its most basic level it is a much, much lower-order process than we would ever be comfortable admitting. It isn’t rooted in language or memory or logic (though all those aid consciousness) but in the survival instinct. A roach is probably self-aware.

• whether an economic system works or not is culturally relative. It depends almost entirely on the beliefs of the money-holding citizens. Socialism won’t work in the U.S. Laissez-faire capitalism won’t work in France. Communism did more or less work in the Soviet Union for 50 years or so; it was built on the delusions of its ruling classes, but the U.S. economy is not so different in this regard.

• a lot of people who answered this question believe that clinical immortality will be realized in 10-50 years. That is possible but I do not believe it is a good idea. The brain is not capable of it. Immortal people will go insane.

• I am agnostic, with tendencies towards animism (see my bit on consciousness), but nevertheless I think some spiritual and afterlife possibilities are more likely than others. I was surprised to find my most favored scenario outlined in Haruki Murakami’s Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World:

“Your body dies, your consciousness passes away, but your thought is caught in that one tautological point an instant before, subdividin’ for an eternity. Think about the koan: An arrow is stopped in flight. Well, the death of the body is the flight of the arrow. It’s makin’ a straight line for the brain. No dodgin’ it, not for anyone. People have t’ die, the body has t’ fall. Time is hurlin’ that arrow forward. And yet, like I was sayin’, thought goes on subdividin’ that time for ever and ever. The paradox becomes real. The arrow never hits.”
“In other words,” I said, “immortality.”
“There you are. Humans are immortal in their thought. Though strictly speakin’, not immortal, but endlessly, asymptotically close to immortal. That’s eternal life.”

Which means, good Christians really do go to heaven, but psychopaths do, too. The guilty Christian, though, may really go to hell.

On New Year’s day of 2000 my favorite cat, who had lived 20 years, died in my lap. He really didn’t want to go. The very last thing he did was try to run. Toward something? Away from something? How could I know.

• corollary: Religions that make claims on the afterlife are not about getting people to heaven. They are about sending people to hell. The appeal is natural. Who wants a psychopath to go to heaven?

• corollary 2: Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World is – and I’ve read it twice – entirely about the last infinitesimally subdividing moment of the death of its protagonist. The “hard-boiled wonderland” storyline is not a more reliable narrative than the “end of the world” storyline. If any of you have read the book, you’ll know what I’m talking about; but I’ve never seen anybody come away with this reading of the book.

Right. That’s enough. Maybe someday I’ll read this entry again and laugh.

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